• Family,  Personal Favorites,  Ruminations

    Leaning towards being childfree

    One night, Mama and I were chatting over coffee, and I was rattling off the things I didn’t like about kids. When she asked if I plan on giving her grandchildren, I replied, “I don’t know.”

    Thankfully, she said that she wasn’t too keen on being a lola anyway. I joked that she should already consider Pawky her grandchild, since he is basically my son.


    I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the past three years, and it’s about time I wrote about it: I’m seriously thinking about going childfree.

    I’ve taken a lot of factors into consideration.

  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

    A very dangerous state of mind

    I mentioned in a previous blog post that I was back on meds because I was backsliding into a depressive state. Last weekend, I had one of my worst suicidal episodes yet. I wanted to kill myself.

    It was 3am on Saturday. I was laying in bed, chilling with Youtube videos, when without warning, I felt terrible. No trigger whatsoever—I just suddenly felt that everything was pointless. That I’m a worthless loser who will never amount to anything, who will always be a burden to my loved ones.

    state of mind,rose,black,pensive

    I started sobbing, tears and snot running down my face. As soon as I wiped them away, they started anew. It went on like that until 6am.

  • Health,  Positivity,  Writing

    Resolutions and Goals for 2019

    In a manic pursuit of self-improvement, I created an extensive list in Todoist of my goals in 2019.

    goals, resolutions, 2019

    Really, I’m setting myself up for failure, because there are so many damned goals:

    Meditate twice daily! Exercise! Stop smoking! Meet with Gelo! Read more books! Write more often! Eat at new restaurants! Go to the theater! Meet with YC! Visit a museum! Arrange an out of town trip with Boopy! Meet with the squad! Donate to my preferred animal shelter! Meet with Kath!

    Just a few of my goals for 2019.

    It’s ironic that one of my goals is “make time for yourself”. Seriously, after doing all this, how am I supposed to even keep my eyes open?

  • Family,  Mental health,  Positivity,  Relationships,  Ruminations,  Writing

    Reflections on 2018

    Every end of the year, I reflect on what transpired over the course of the past 365 days. I am a naturally introspective person, so I enjoy examining these events and the effects they’ve had on me.

    Living with depression, it’s always the default to see things in extremes, i.e. this year has been terrible. My perspective is skewed to look at the shitty parts of life, so in this post, I’ll do my best to be as rational as possible.

    2018, kylie jenner, quote
    Kylie was really onto something there.
  • Friends,  Personal Favorites,  Positivity

    I found comfort in the chaos of Makati

    In a bustling city of concrete and glass, we converged as strangers. Different people, different stories.

    One thing united us, as we eventually discovered: we were all broken in some way. Our past relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners haunted us. Those ghosts followed us all the way to Ayala Avenue, where an office building stood dark and formidable.

    city,ayala,makati,skylines

    Within those four walls, I experienced a gamut of emotions. Joy. Stress. Motivation. Pride. Anger. Sadness. You saw it all, from me helplessly weeping on the sidewalk to me practically yelling in the streets in a fit of rage.

  • Prose and poetry,  Relationships

    Rescued

    It was cold, wet, windy.

    Photo by Amit Shaiwale on Unsplash

    Waves were crashing down upon my head, one after another, pummeling me into submission. Saltwater-soaked clothes like weights, dragging me down deeper into the churning frothing freezing liquid hell, anchoring me to the sea floor even as I struggled to keep my head above the current.

  • Family,  Friends,  Places

    A quick trip to Quezon

    For weeks, I pestered my parents for us to take a trip. It doesn’t have to be far away! I just want to get away from the metro for a while!

    Finally, on a weekend near the end of November, they caved to my whining. We’d be going to Quezon for an overnight trip, and they encouraged me to bring Gelo so I’ll have company.

    beach, trees

    And so, with some alcohol in the bed of our pickup and way more food than is necessary for an overnight trip, we drove to Real, Quezon. Being the chronically sleepy bum that I am, I spent the whole drive fast asleep, curled up like a cat, while Gelo happily made conversation with my parents.

  • Beauty,  Food,  Places,  Self-care

    Treat Yo Self: October 2018

    October was a rough month for me: as I mentioned, I was dealing with a lot of problems. It got to the point where I was crying in the shower that I take before going to work.

    I don’t have a lot of disposable income right now due to bills, but one week in October, I just said: screw it. I deserve to splurge at least a little bit to make myself feel better.


    First, I got a gel manicure from Nail Tropics:

    Snapchat filters are life!
  • Depression and anxiety

    Quit while you’re ahead

    Trigger warning: This post includes a discussion on suicide. I am in no way encouraging anyone to take their own life; I am merely sharing my experience and perspective. Please seek professional help for any mental health issues you may have.


    A friend of mine told me a story.

    An acquaintance’s sibling* attempted to take their life. Afterwards, when asked why, he simply said that he was already happy as is.

    My friend didn’t understand. If you’re already happy, he said, then why try to kill yourself? It doesn’t make sense!

    I took a shot of vodka before saying: it makes sense to me.

  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

    Numb: being back on meds

    My anxiety has been making an unwelcome reappearance, together with my depressive symptoms. I didn’t have much of an appetite, I was sleeping too much, and I was crying everywhere (seriously, everywhere: in my shower, in the bathroom at work, in the Grab car on my way home).

    So I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. After his assessment, he put me back on meds: divalproex sodium, sertraline, and clonazepam.

    Honestly, I felt so conflicted about that.