You know how I’ve told everyone that I’ll be studying to become an attorney after college?
Yeah, I’m not so sure about that now.
I’m three semesters away from getting a degree in Behavioral Science. According to the plans I made years ago, after getting a degree, I should go straight to law school, pass the bar exam, become an attorney, and get a job that pays well so I can support my family. But now, I’m having doubts.
Ask me why I want to be a lawyer, and most probably the answer would be “because I want to follow my mom’s footsteps,” “because the money’s good,” or “I’ll never be out of a job if I’m a lawyer.” My mom always says that I need to have passion and discipline to survive law school, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have either.
The thing is, I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t a lawyer. I really, really don’t want to work in a call center forever. I love to write, but couldn’t see myself making a living off of that. I have no talent, no direction, no anything.
I’m also scared shitless of making a mistake that could cost me a good future. I want a job that would provide a good life for me and my family. I want my mom to retire comfortably with the knowledge that I would be financially able to take care of her. I want to be able to send my future children to the best schools.
I have told everyone—and I mean everyone—about my plans to study law. Maybe I was trying to convince myself. Anyway, I’m thinking, if I don’t take up law right after graduation, I’d get a job and hopefully use the time to figure out what I really want. I’m terrified of a future where I don’t truly enjoy what I do.
Right now, I’m furious at myself.
I want to kick my fourteen-year-old self’s ass for not having any ambition or goals, and so chose to be a lawyer so her mom would be proud.
I want to kick my sixteen-year-old self’s ass for being flippant over what course to take. “Oooh, I like Criminal Minds, so I’m going to study Behavioral Science!” I should have taken Journalism.
I want to kick my seventeen-year-old self’s ass for not thinking over why I wanted to take up law. “Because Attorney Kaimo sounds cool” is not a valid reason. Neither is “because the salary is good”.
I want to kick my eighteen-year-old self’s ass for thinking that salary was the most important thing to consider when picking a career path.
When I think about it, it’s sort of liberating. It gives me a sense of freedom to think that I don’t know where I’m going. It also gives me a sense of control: before, I used to feel trapped in a future I wasn’t sure I wanted. Now at least I can see for myself what I do want.
Keeping fingers crossed.
Photo source: http://weheartit.com/entry/1039326