It has been a particularly rough couple of months. I’m dealing with a lot of personal problems, which leaves me too exhausted to even play with my cat. I’ve been feeling physically and emotionally drained.
My anxiety even came calling a few times, striking whether I was hard at work or chilling at home. Same symptoms as before: palpitations and shortness of breath.
In one particular incident, I spent half of my shift at work thinking of every possible awful thing that could happen. My mind raced with terrible thoughts of losing everything I had, all that I hold dear. I couldn’t focus, I was panicky, I felt weak and dizzy – it went on for hours.
Around last week, I confided in a colleague of mine about all the difficulties I was having. It was hard because I don’t usually like to open up to people, something that Kat used to scold me a lot for. This time, I pushed past my discomfort. It made me feel good to be heard.
It’s a lesson I always need to learn over and over: I am not alone. The people in my life can be wonderfully supportive if I give them a chance.
I’ve always had a hard time sharing myself with others. Maybe it’s because of my low self-esteem: when I’m down and have nothing to offer, I don’t feel I deserve emotional support. Thus, I shut others out. But as I’ve learned in the years before, isolation only leads me down an even worse road.
Trusting in others has never been my strong suit, but hell if I’m not still going to try.