Depression and anxiety

Quit while you’re ahead

Trigger warning: This post includes a discussion on suicide. I am in no way encouraging anyone to take their own life; I am merely sharing my experience and perspective. Please seek professional help for any mental health issues you may have.

A friend of mine told me a story.

An acquaintance’s sibling* attempted to take their life. Afterwards, when asked why, he simply said that he was already happy as is.

My friend didn’t understand. If you’re already happy, he said, then why try to kill yourself? It doesn’t make sense!

I took a shot of vodka before saying: it makes sense to me.

I’m a huge nerd. Whenever I’m hyped up about something (a gig of my favorite band, a new movie), I always say the same thing: I can get run over by a truck as soon as it’s over. I’ll die happy that way.

The most recent example: I keep saying that I can die after I watch Avengers: Endgame.

It sounds overly dramatic, but it’s true.

Kill me after I’ve seen the movie. I have nothing to live for after this — shanti doge 🏵️🐶 (@elakaimo) December 7, 2018

The thing about depression is, it makes me feel like I have nothing to live for.

I don’t see the future as “a time when things get better”; I see it as “oh god, what problems do I have to endure now?”. Living is a day to day struggles – I can’t plan years, months, or even weeks ahead.

So when I do have something to look forward to, I treat it as a timeline of sorts: Avengers 4 will be out on April 26, so I can totally off myself on the 27th. I’m basically stalling my own death.

The point I’m trying to get at here is: happiness is fleeting. If I’ll be sad again anyway, why wait for yet another disaster? Quit while you’re ahead; isn’t that what they say?

I’m now back on meds, and I’ve started seeing my therapist regularly again, so I’m hoping that these morbid thoughts will go away soon.

*Minor details were changed to as to protect the privacy of these individuals.

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

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