Despite me being nearly 26, I’m still harboring issues towards intimacy and romantic relationships. I have abandonment issues, so I push my partners away and pick fights just to see if they’ll stick around anyway. And if they give up, I’ll say, “Ah, see, I was right: no one stays.”
It doesn’t help that I’m a very prideful person, and I am loathe to make the first move when it comes to apologizing. I’d rather wait on pins and needles for them to reach out.
We each have our own demons to fight. You were instrumental in helping me fight mine, and you never made me feel alone as I battled my demons.
Now, it’s you who’s facing your own monsters. As much as I’d like to help, I know this isn’t my fight. It’s yours. All I can do is lend a helping hand as you need it, but other than that, you’re gonna have to face this on your own.
Just know that I’ll be waiting at the end of it all, with open arms and eyes gleaming with pride.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Since we last talked, I mean. And I’m not referring to our last text messages — I’m referring to the last time we really, truly talked.
And oh, how I miss our conversations, hanging out in cafés to discuss everything from books to philosophy. It was a better time for us, a time when we were so in sync we knew what the other was thinking. A time when communicating wasn’t quite as exhausting as it was in the last months.
The first time we met, you decided you will never like me. I get drunk too easily, I smoke too much, and I’m obnoxiously loud. I’m constantly thinking about food, and I always seem to say the wrong things. My taste in music was weird, and my words were caustic as can be.
This has been an incredibly painful month for me. It didn’t help that I turned 22 and I still feel like my shit isn’t sorted. My only comfort is that at least I’m still learning, which means (hopefully) I haven’t given up yet.
So, here are a few things I’ve learned recently:
Growing up means doing things you don’t want to, because you have to.
For me, that means going to work and doing my laundry even on days when all I feel capable of doing is curling in a ball and crying. Growing up means biting the bullet and moving back in with my mom, even if it’s the last thing I want to do, because I simply can’t pay my rent anymore. That shit stings, but I’m a big girl. I’m an adult (supposedly). I have to be okay with the difficult choices I make.
And speaking of difficult choices…
Love doesn’t conquer all.
“Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough,” so goes that song. Love is a beautiful, majestic thing, but it’s not the only thing. In love, as with everything else, there comes a time when you have to make a difficult choice. And as I’ve said before, doing the right thing isn’t always easy. You can love each other very much, but there will always be external factors that come into play.
And please don’t tell me, “If you love each other enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.” Haven’t we all outgrown that trite, naïve advice? Sometimes, there’s no other way than to let go.
Friends aren’t always there for you.
Being single can be awesome, but it can also get pretty lonely. When I was in college, I didn’t mind much because I had my lovely friends who I saw every day. Now that we are all working, though, we hardly ever meet. I can’t go running off to Tapsi to drunk-cry on their shoulders, because we all have our own separate lives and schedules now.
It’s not that they don’t want to be there for me. I know they do. But I can’t insist on taking their time just so I could feel a little less lonely for a night. That would be asking too much, and I never ask for more than what others could give.
Even The Best Friend has got a job now. He spends his time either working or resting. As much as I want him here right now, I repeat, I never ask for more than what others could give. I swear, these are the times that I wish I had a more emotionally available best friend.
These lessons are coming at me so hard and fast that I feel overwhelmed by it all. But if this is growing up, then please send me the hell back to my childhood.
To my friends: if you haven’t heard by now, let me tell you that I am newly single.Breaking up was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make, and honestly, I still have my doubts about it. I know some people will sneer and say, “Hey, you’re the one who broke up with him. Deal with it.” Those people can kindly shove a stick up their ass. Relationships are not as simple as “If you love him, you should be together!” That naïve shit doesn’t fly with me anymore. There are so many other factors in dating, other than love.
The second season of Girlsshowed Shoshanna, a bright, driven, and lively young woman, breaking up with the perpetually angry and cynical Ray. Their match was unlikely but entertaining, to say the least, because their different personalities made it so interesting to watch.
The main reason why Shosh broke up with Ray is his personality is far too grim. He has no ambition, he is always angry, and she feels he is holding her back from being a “fully formed human”. All valid and acceptable reasons. But the thing is, she loves him, “to the ends of the world and back, so much”.