• Ruminations

    On self-destructive behavior

    Photo by Andrew Amistad on Unsplash

    I’m alone in bed, with the only company in the form of my cat. He’s napping, and I’m jealous of how he lives to eat, sleep, and play. We should all live so simply, I think.

    Back in the day, I would have taken some beer to my room, put on loud music, and drank by myself until I felt slumber’s sweet arms embracing me. But things are different now. I’m trying to be good about self-care, or at least, better than what I used to be.

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  • Relationships,  Ruminations

    Doubts

    Despite me being nearly 26, I’m still harboring issues towards intimacy and romantic relationships. I have abandonment issues, so I push my partners away and pick fights just to see if they’ll stick around anyway. And if they give up, I’ll say, “Ah, see, I was right: no one stays.”

    Black and White Textured Storage Label

    It doesn’t help that I’m a very prideful person, and I am loathe to make the first move when it comes to apologizing. I’d rather wait on pins and needles for them to reach out.

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  • Ruminations

    How do you want things to be?

    This question is so important because most of us walk around with some degree of dissatisfaction in our lives. Whether it’s a successful career, a relationship, or more money that we’re craving, we always wind up thinking: “If only I had this or that…”

    dissatisfaction, self-help, life

    Speaking from a place of privilege as a middle-class woman with a reliable source of income, a steady relationship, a beautiful cat, and several gadgets I love, sometimes I still feel like my life is lacking. I want more out of it. I guess desire is human nature, but there has to be a limit as to what we crave.

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  • Ruminations

    Something to prove

    As of this morning, I am officially broke.
    My savings for my supposed Puerto Galera trip this October have evaporated. Payday isn’t until the 29th or 30th, which means that in order to pay my electric bill on Friday, I’ll have to forego picking up my laundry (and thus paying for it) until I get my salary.
    And dinner? Forget about it—the only food I have at home is a pack of Skyflakes, which I’m thriftily eating only two at a time so it’ll last longer. I could only eat at the office, where the food I buy is salary-deductible, thank Glob.
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  • Ruminations

    What do I want for my birthday?

    So many things, actually. An external hard drive, new clothes, new glasses and/or contact lenses, to have enough money to go to the beach and climb a new mountain. That’s only off the top of my head, but that’s child’s play compared to what I really want (getting run over is probably in the top ten, though).
     
    [photo source]
    How about motivation? The drive and passion to do everything with vigor and excitement, instead of doing things with the feeling that my soul is being crushed slowly.
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  • Ruminations

    Why I hate the phrase, “madami ka pang pagdadaanan”

    Talking with adults is at once exciting and intimidating. After all, they’re the ones with more life experience, so it’s impossible not to gather a few nuggets of wisdom from them. Their advice can carry more weight simply because of the things they’ve seen, and every once in a while their words will ring true. You’ll almost always get an interesting story out of them.
    However, I’ve talked to quite a few adults to know that with age comes a certain flavor of condescension. A favorite saying of theirs is “madami ka pang pagdadaanan.” Roughly translated, that means, “You’ll be going through a lot more.” I have particular hatred for that saying, because 1) I don’t want to have to go through more shit, and 2) it implies that nothing I have experienced so far is of any real or lasting value.
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  • Friends,  Positivity,  Ruminations,  Self-care

    On the importance of kind words

    Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.
    So the saying goes. It’s garbage because I personally know many people who have been hurt by words alone, and also those who hurt other by speaking. The way we talk to each other has a powerful impact on the impression we make and the relationships we create and maintain.
    [photo source]
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  • Places,  Ruminations

    My heart belongs to the city

    I’m a city rat. Always have been, always will be. That’s why I love Cubao: even with all the pickpockets, the energy of that place always warms my heart somethin’ fierce.
     
    Along Quezon Avenue

    Of course, the chaos of the city gets to me sometimes. The roar of some douchebag’s motorcycle at 2AM, the yelling of drunken maniacs on the streets… Not to mention the filth, smell, and crowds of the metro. It’s almost enough to make me want to live in a farm.

    Almost.

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  • Places,  Ruminations

    Adventures in Madlum

    Okay. So when I climbed Mt. Talamitam, I swore that I wouldn’t do it again. Which is why it surprised me when I started dreaming of another peak to conquer.
    What I love about mountain climbing is that it’s so goal-oriented: I have to reach the top and I have to get back down, no matter what. When I get invited to other activities like Muay Thai, running, or Zumba, I shake my head because I don’t enjoy it; I don’t see the point. With mountain climbing, though, it’s always the same no matter what: you have to get up and get back down again, with various challenges in between.
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  • Ruminations

    I’ve had enough of getting by

    “We’ll get by.” I say that often, especially to myself. It has become a mantra: when life gets hard to handle, I breathe and keep going one day at a time, believing that we’ll get by one way or another. It has proved useful in keeping me grounded. It has helped me keep my grasp on the present, and avoid the spiraling sadness to which I’m prone.
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