Hitting pause

At this point in my life, I feel completely lost. I am isolating myself from my friends, I am putting off writing, and I haven’t had any energy to go to the gym. I sleep either too much or too little.

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Earlier this morning, I was overcome by a strong urge to commit suicide. I felt myself disassociating from reality; I walked through the house in a daze, like an uneasy ghost. I felt like a shell of a person.

Luckily, I had scheduled a home visit for the vet to vaccinate and de-worm my cats, Pawcard and Quill. It was a challenge getting Quill to calm the fuck down: he tried to claw his way out of anyone who touched him.

After that, I returned to my room a bit more grounded. Not entirely relaxed, but that distraction helped my mind switch gears and decide, “Meh, not today. Maybe some other time.”

And isn’t that what I’m doing, really? Postponing my suicide, I mean. A month ago, I postponed it because I wanted to see Avengers: Endgame (FYI, I sobbed in the cinema for nearly three hours). Then I postponed it because we had a family trip to Batangas.

That’s the trick, I guess. Find something to do, no matter how mundane, to distract from the strong urge to kill myself.

It’s not much to go on, and sometimes it can feel really hopeless, but it’s a start. And I need all the techniques I can use to keep surviving, one day at a time.

Ela Kaimo

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

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