Slow

Slow

Let’s take it slow, we said.
One date
one day
at a time.
And I try.

But how do I slow
my heartbeat each time I see you?
How does one slow
a fall down into the rabbit hole
when she knows Wonderland awaits?

Take it slow, they said.
Get to know each other first.
But how, when each conversation turns
into a confession of past sins?
Or when every time I talk to you,
it feels as though I’ve known you forever?

All things considered, I guess
you could say we took it slow,
since the realization –
that I had already fallen in love with you –
dawned on me
just
as the night shifts
to day:
gradually,
quietly,
slowly.


Written years ago, for a lover who eventually left.

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I started working out!

I started working out!

Last January, I made a life-changing decision: I signed up for a membership at Gold’s Gym, and sessions with a personal trainer.

The first few sessions were exhausting, to say the least. Every muscle in my body ached, and I was walking so stiffly that even getting out of a car sent waves of pain screaming down my legs. 

Still, I persevered. As of writing, I’ve lost 4 pounds. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless. With every session, I feel myself getting stronger, able to do the exercises without getting too out of breath.

I be up in the gym just working on my fitness / He’s my witness (oh, wee)

Fergalicious, Fergie. 2006

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melancholia

melancholia

i woke up
again
to the thoughts of worthlessness
of melancholia
of being alone.

they say you should love
yourself before anyone else can
love you.
but why does he hold my hand so tightly
and gaze at me with tender eyes?

why does he care
if i wake up at 3 in the morning
crying because my head won’t stop telling me i’m worthless?
why does he tell me i’m worth loving?

you don’t need to love yourself to be loved. it is a lie
we tell ourselves because we feel
we don’t deserve the kindness of others.
but we do.

i fall asleep, comforted
by his arms
and the reassurance
of a love to come.


Written years ago, for a lover who eventually left.

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Why I stopped, and resumed, reading the news

Why I stopped, and resumed, reading the news

Up until recently, I stopped reading the news.

I used to be a bit of a news junkie, thanks to the Flipboard app. I selected a bunch of topics that I wanted to see on my feed: global events, news from the Philippines, civil rights (feminism, LGBTQ+, racism), and mental health, among others.

man reading burning newspaper
Photo by Elijah O’Donnell on Unsplash

I devoured all the articles. In that way, I formed my opinions on the social and political landscape.

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A friendship I wish I never made

A friendship I wish I never made

I have made a lot of mistakes in my 26 years of existence; thus, I have a lot of regrets. Poor choices in romantic relationships, self-destructive behavior, etc. But the one thing that sticks out for me is a friendship with a particular person.

What I discovered during our friendship

This person had deep-seated trust issues. They were possessive of me having other friends, to the point that even missing a bus ride home with them was a point of contention. I had to walk on eggshells around them because they were especially sensitive. I always had to be the bigger person—I justified it by saying that they were too young and less mature than I was.

Gelo was always annoyed at my friendship with that person because he knows that they don’t treat me as well as I should be treated. He wondered why I bothered to keep up my friendship with that person for so long.

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