In case you’re not updated on my recent struggles with depression, here’s a quick rundown…
Physically, I feel like shit.
I’m lethargic as fuck, so I don’t go to the gym as often anymore. I’m constantly hungry, but I haven’t been eating much because I don’t have an appetite. My diet mostly consists of chocolate milk. Showering is optional. I don’t leave my room unless it’s to eat or go to the bathroom. Playing with my cats doesn’t bring me the same sense of joy or wonder as it did before.
Mentally, I think this is the worst episode I’ve had since The Great Depression of 2016.
Images of my own death constantly pop up in my head without warning, sending me reeling regardless of what I’m doing at the moment.
Let me make this clear: I don’t want to dwell on suicidal thoughts. But they keep playing in my head until I feel certifiably nuts.
Emotionally, I’m a wreck.
I cry or cut, or both, nearly every day. My already low self-esteem is in shreds. I’m on the edge of the cliff, and I’m afraid that the simplest obstacle would push me over.
I feel very isolated. Boopy and my friends are reaching out to me, trying to console me, letting me know that they love me and that they’re there for me. I appreciate the gesture, but at the same time, I feel a raging despair: why do they bother? Do they not see that I am beyond saving? Do they not see that I am in so much pain, and all I want is for it to end?
I don’t know how to thoroughly explain to everyone how depression is making me feel. It’s not that my support system wouldn’t listen; rather, it’s that they would totally rally around me and support me, and I honestly feel so worthless right now that I don’t think I deserve their kindness.
I’ve received all sorts of compliments recently: talented, smart, cute, thoughtful. These are wonderful words coming from amazing people. Yet I can’t help but wonder: what good did I possibly do to deserve their love? Most days, I believe I’m not worth the dirt on their shoes.
This particular episode of depression has been ongoing since early April 2019.
Imagine this: it has been almost two months of me crying almost every day, battling a constantly changing combination of anxiety, loneliness, sadness, emptiness, and anger.
Today, I stumbled upon an odd thought: hating myself is exhausting. When Boopy asked, “Well, then why do you do it?”, I couldn’t tell him that I don’t know any other way to be.
I want to love myself, I want to see myself in a positive light; I just am totally lost as to how. It’s like giving me a car when I don’t know how to drive—it’s this beautiful thing that I can’t operate, at least not without help.
And I am getting help. I’m in therapy, on meds, and trying to be mindful of my actions and reactions. I’m doing my fucking best, and that’s all I can do until this tides over.
To all my friends who are reading this and are supporting me, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your love and kindness do not go unappreciated. I hear your words of encouragement, and while I’m not yet in a good place to accept them as true, they keep me going. You gave me strength when I thought I had none left; you showed me compassion and understanding when I felt wretched. I love you all so much, and I am so grateful that you are in my life. Thank you for helping me get by, day to day, in my darkest hours.