Ruminations

For me, trust is no more than a condom.

Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too – even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling. 

-Morrie Schwartz

What if I can’t feel that I can trust people?
What if I don’t completely trust anyone, not even my best friends?
What if I’m terrified of falling, terrified of the dark, because I don’t trust anyone to catch me?
Does this make me dysfunctional in relationships? I think so. 🙁

I have serious trust issues. This can be traced way back to fifth grade, when I kept a diary. I felt no need to hide it, because I trusted my family completely not to read it. The next day after she saw me writing in it, my mother gave me the third degree regarding the contents of my diary. After the interrogation, it was nowhere to be found. I was utterly crushed.

From that moment on, I have never trusted my family with my private things. Leaving no opening for them to pry into my personal life, I put a PIN and security code on my cellphone, I whispered during every phone call I made, I made sure my diary was lock-and-key, and I never gave them my passwords.

Then in high school, I made the mistake of trusting too easily. I talked about my personal life to classmates, strangers, neighbors… It bit me in the ass when I realized that everyone knew everything about me.

 

The only person who I told nearly (take note: nearly) everything to was my ex. Predictably, I was destroyed when he used a secret of mine only he knew about, to blackmail me. Yep, you read that right: blackmail me. As in, literally force me to do something I didn’t wanna do.
Huh. Makes me wonder why it was hard to get over him.


Up to this day, I have trust issues. Which scares me, because I am seventeen freaking years old, I am too young to have trust issues! I should be like one of those teenagers who tell their friends everything. Or at least, I should have one best-best-best friend, the one I tell everything to, the one with whom I don’t need to censor my thoughts.

You know, I think I need someone like this. Someone to listen completely, with no judgment. Someone I can rant to about anything, and who won’t get annoyed if I rant about the same things over and over again. Someone who I can trust completely, who knows the meaning of the word confidential. Someone who, no matter how many stupid-shitty-tactless-impulsive things I do or say, will be there for me.

 

Please, don’t get me wrong. I have awesome friends, who I love to bits. I have best friends, with whom I share dark secrets. I am not saying they do me wrong, nor am I saying that they are unworthy of my trust. I am just saying that regardless of my supposedly open attitude, I am too guarded to spill everything.

Trusting leads to disappointment. When I open up to people, they tend to break my trust: spilling my secrets, talking behind my back…
This is what happens when you trust people.
I know what I’m talking about. 
Trust me.

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

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