College life,  Family,  Ruminations

Trying to read palms and peer into crystal balls just makes the future even scarier

My mom and I sat down to breakfast the other day and I asked, “Ano magiging reaction mo pag hindi ako nag-law?”

My mom was thoughtful in her answer: “Okay lang. Ayoko namang isipin mong napipilitan ka. Nakikita ko namang magaling ka magsulat, baka mas magiging masaya ka kung yun yung papasukin mong field. Saka alam ko ang hirap ng law students kaya hindi kita pinipilit.”

Even though it’s my choice to take up law after earning a degree in Behavioral Science, the idea still scares me. What if I couldn’t handle the pressure? What if the professors are the rotten, misanthropic ones that assign fifty case studies per day just to see students have a nervous breakdown? What if I fail the bar exams? What if, what if, what if?It’s not just my law school future that scares me. Every time I go to school, I realize that I’m halfway through getting a degree but I still feel like a fucking kid. No matter how hard I try to be grown up, I’m just not cut out yet for any real responsibility.

It’s just that I never really thought of life as this fast-paced. Everything’s speeding up: I’m halfway through my college education, but I’m feeling like I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing but ingest an insane amount of alcohol. Soon, I’ll be applying to companies for my OJT (which, by the way, scares the bejesus out of me), writing my thesis, and receiving my diploma.

Thinking about the future terrifies me and makes me face, albeit reluctantly, the realities of life as I know it.

I never imagined that such a simple question would throw me almost completely. My god, I was only making conversation!

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

One Comment

  • ʎonqʎʇıɔ

    Well I guess that's how it always starts out. When I graduated, I felt like I didn't the slightest fuck about anything. But you get used to it. And the training in alcohol ingestion will surely help. lol

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