Relationships,  Ruminations

We accept the love we think we deserve…

As a kid, I was a chipper li’l bugger. Adults loved me because I was bright, and I had such confidence that I believed I could be anything I wanted to. I was beautiful, smart, and charming.
[photo source]
Unfortunately, I didn’t carry that self-esteem to my adulthood. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking how awful I am: a fat, ugly, mean-spirited, and boring person who is useless at everything. It’s gotten better over time, but loving myself is still a daily battle, one that I lose more often than I want to admit.

We accept the love we think we deserve. And most of the time, I don’t think I deserve the love that I get.
Several times, especially when I’m going through a rough patch, I wonder why the bunny still stands by me. I wonder if he is fed up with my constant sadness, anger, guilt, and angst. I wonder if he will meet a girl one day who sees rainbows everywhere, and he will see a brighter future with her instead of with me. If that does happen, I will be sad, but not very surprised. I’m a lot to handle, see.
What could someone like him possibly see in someone like me? Honestly, I think I’m more trouble than I’m worth. Wading through my personal shit is a paralyzing experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Until I get my issues sorted out (don’t hold your damn breath), this will always continue to torment me. Until I believe deep in my heart that I am worthy of love and respect, I will continue to doubt him.
Loving myself is the answer to this. I know that much. But how does one undo years of self-loathing? How does one even begin to accept herself, along with the flaws and fractures?

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

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