It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Since we last talked, I mean. And I’m not referring to our last text messages — I’m referring to the last time we really, truly talked.

And oh, how I miss our conversations, hanging out in cafés to discuss everything from books to philosophy. It was a better time for us, a time when we were so in sync we knew what the other was thinking. A time when communicating wasn’t quite as exhausting as it was in the last months.

We won’t have the fairytale ending we imagined for ourselves.

You have to understand that when I said goodbye to you, I had to say goodbye to the life we had planned, too. I won’t walk down the aisle to find you at the end of it. We won’t be buying a house together. We’ll never have those kids we wanted so badly.

Despite how badly things turned out, I still think about you. In the span of a day, I can list down at least three things that remind me of you, whether it’s a funny Facebook post or a thought-provoking article. I still wonder how your day is going and more often than not, I hope it turned out well, because I only ever wanted the best for you. I still toss and turn in bed, remembering the nights when you were there to hold me tight (and complain the next morning when I hog all the space).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you, still.

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

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