Relationships,  Ruminations

Doubts

Despite me being nearly 26, I’m still harboring issues towards intimacy and romantic relationships. I have abandonment issues, so I push my partners away and pick fights just to see if they’ll stick around anyway. And if they give up, I’ll say, “Ah, see, I was right: no one stays.”

Black and White Textured Storage Label

It doesn’t help that I’m a very prideful person, and I am loathe to make the first move when it comes to apologizing. I’d rather wait on pins and needles for them to reach out.

Despite me desperately wanting to believe I’m mature, deep down I’m petty as fuck and will blow things way out of proportion. If my boyfriend doesn’t answer my texts or calls right away, I get mad. Yeah, I’m that girlfriend. I’m not proud of it, but there we are.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for this relationship thingy. I seem to be incapable of thinking about anyone other than myself. Maybe I’m not made to invite another person fully into my life and my heart.

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

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