Ruminations

What this birthday means to me

I just turned 26. My boyfriend likes to say how I’m closer to 30 than 20, and that pisses me off.

red and white mouth plastic toy and food plastic toys
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

For the past few years, I always freaked out about my birthday because I was afraid of the future. I was scared of growing old without having anything to show for it.
See, I didn’t plan on living this long. I always assumed I’d carry out a successful suicide sooner rather than later. But thanks to my job, my boyfriend, and my cat, I’ve been putting it off.

I know that’s a good thing, don’t get me wrong. Still, I am not prepared to live out the rest of my life. The future is scary as hell, and I feel unprepared to deal.

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.

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