Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

Numb: being back on meds

My anxiety has been making an unwelcome reappearance, together with my depressive symptoms. I didn’t have much of an appetite, I was sleeping too much, and I was crying everywhere (seriously, everywhere: in my shower, in the bathroom at work, in the Grab car on my way home).

So I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. After his assessment, he put me back on meds: divalproex sodium, sertraline, and clonazepam.

Honestly, I felt so conflicted about that.

On one hand, the meds might help with my constant palpitations and suicidal ideation. On the other hand, it’s an additional expense I really didn’t want to have to shell out for.

I’ve been a relatively good girl when it comes to taking care of myself.

I signed up for a gym to get those endorphins pumping. I write to express my emotions. I avoid self-harming. I handed my meds over to Mama to avoid the temptation of overdosing, and I take them consistently.

Despite all that, I haven’t exactly been feeling happier or more alive. On the contrary: I feel empty.

I can’t muster up a lot of excitement or joy. I feel like I’ve been numbed.

My heart doesn’t feel heavy anymore; instead, I don’t think it feels a lot these days. I can’t even cry anymore. Maybe this is how neurotypicals usually feel, as my boyfriend says.

 I can’t remember if these meds made me feel the same way when I used to take them before. My next appointment with my psychiatrist is in January, and in a few days, I’ll be seeing my psychologist, too. I’ll need to talk to them about all this, because honestly, I don’t know why I’m still hanging on.

Ela is a twentysomething who is constantly getting stuck in self-destructive behavior and bouts of low self-esteem. She struggles with depression and writes to relieve herself of her feelings. Sometimes she even blogs about other things like makeup and positivity. One of her pieces was published in the Inquirer Young Blood in October 2017. She likes cats, dogs, and sometimes even people.


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