• Depression and anxiety,  Prose and poetry,  Ruminations,  Sadness

    I can’t trust my senses

    You’re worthless. You don’t matter. Your existence means nothing: you may have been something special before, but not now, and never again.

    This isn’t me talking.

    That’s Depression, talking in His sweetly sinister voice.

    That voice has the ability to permeate the nooks and crannies of my mind. It is a noxious gas tainting my memories, even the good ones. I’ve been living with it for so long—more often than not, in eighteen years—that it’s difficult for me to ignore it.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

    A very dangerous state of mind

    I mentioned in a previous blog post that I was back on meds because I was backsliding into a depressive state. Last weekend, I had one of my worst suicidal episodes yet. I wanted to kill myself.

    It was 3am on Saturday. I was laying in bed, chilling with Youtube videos, when without warning, I felt terrible. No trigger whatsoever—I just suddenly felt that everything was pointless. That I’m a worthless loser who will never amount to anything, who will always be a burden to my loved ones.

    state of mind,rose,black,pensive

    I started sobbing, tears and snot running down my face. As soon as I wiped them away, they started anew. It went on like that until 6am.

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  • Family,  Mental health,  Positivity,  Relationships,  Ruminations,  Writing

    Reflections on 2018

    Every end of the year, I reflect on what transpired over the course of the past 365 days. I am a naturally introspective person, so I enjoy examining these events and the effects they’ve had on me.

    Living with depression, it’s always the default to see things in extremes, i.e. this year has been terrible. My perspective is skewed to look at the shitty parts of life, so in this post, I’ll do my best to be as rational as possible.

    2018, kylie jenner, quote
    Kylie was really onto something there.
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  • Beauty,  Food,  Places,  Self-care

    Treat Yo Self: October 2018

    October was a rough month for me: as I mentioned, I was dealing with a lot of problems. It got to the point where I was crying in the shower that I take before going to work.

    I don’t have a lot of disposable income right now due to bills, but one week in October, I just said: screw it. I deserve to splurge at least a little bit to make myself feel better.

    First, I got a gel manicure from Nail Tropics:

    Snapchat filters are life!
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  • Depression and anxiety

    Quit while you’re ahead

    Trigger warning: This post includes a discussion on suicide. I am in no way encouraging anyone to take their own life; I am merely sharing my experience and perspective. Please seek professional help for any mental health issues you may have.

    A friend of mine told me a story.

    An acquaintance’s sibling* attempted to take their life. Afterwards, when asked why, he simply said that he was already happy as is.

    My friend didn’t understand. If you’re already happy, he said, then why try to kill yourself? It doesn’t make sense!

    I took a shot of vodka before saying: it makes sense to me.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

    Numb: being back on meds

    My anxiety has been making an unwelcome reappearance, together with my depressive symptoms. I didn’t have much of an appetite, I was sleeping too much, and I was crying everywhere (seriously, everywhere: in my shower, in the bathroom at work, in the Grab car on my way home).

    So I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. After his assessment, he put me back on meds: divalproex sodium, sertraline, and clonazepam.

    Honestly, I felt so conflicted about that.

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  • Mental health

    Why I can talk about my mental health so casually

    I was at work, chatting to a friend about my upcoming trip to my psychiatrist.

    It’s my anxiety, I said. It’s been acting up again. I might need to go back on meds. My heart keeps racing and my palms are even sweatier than usual. Breathing is a challenge despite me being stationary in front of the computer for 8 hours.

    I barely noticed another friend of mine sidling up, apparently listening to the conversation. I gave him a brief acknowledgement before going right back to my story.

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  • Friends,  Mental health,  Self-care

    Opening up

    background image beautiful blur bright
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    It has been a particularly rough couple of months. I’m dealing with a lot of personal problems, which leaves me too exhausted to even play with my cat. I’ve been feeling physically and emotionally drained.

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  • Mental health,  Relationships

    How do you let yourself be loved when you feel unlovable?

    How does one be in a loving, healthy relationship without sabotaging it?

    heart shaped red neon signage
    Photo by Designecologist on Pexels.com

    Honestly, I don’t know how people do it. I try my best to be trusting, to be loving – but I often feel like I fail. My boyfriend reassures me constantly that I’m wonderful, that I deserve happiness; still, I feel remarkably undeserving of his affections.

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  • Friends,  Mental health,  Ruminations

    I will always believe in you even when no one else will, not even you

    He spots me smoking alone and staring off into space. Lost in my Spotify playlist, I don’t notice him approach until he taps me on the shoulder and asks, “Are you okay?”

    He didn’t need to wait for an answer. I couldn’t speak, anyway. I just collapsed into his embrace.