• Depression and anxiety,  Prose and poetry,  Ruminations,  Sadness

    I can’t trust my senses

    You’re worthless. You don’t matter. Your existence means nothing: you may have been something special before, but not now, and never again.

    This isn’t me talking.

    That’s Depression, talking in His sweetly sinister voice.

    That voice has the ability to permeate the nooks and crannies of my mind. It is a noxious gas tainting my memories, even the good ones. I’ve been living with it for so long—more often than not, in eighteen years—that it’s difficult for me to ignore it.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

    A very dangerous state of mind

    I mentioned in a previous blog post that I was back on meds because I was backsliding into a depressive state. Last weekend, I had one of my worst suicidal episodes yet. I wanted to kill myself.

    It was 3am on Saturday. I was laying in bed, chilling with Youtube videos, when without warning, I felt terrible. No trigger whatsoever—I just suddenly felt that everything was pointless. That I’m a worthless loser who will never amount to anything, who will always be a burden to my loved ones.

    state of mind,rose,black,pensive

    I started sobbing, tears and snot running down my face. As soon as I wiped them away, they started anew. It went on like that until 6am.

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  • Depression and anxiety

    Quit while you’re ahead

    Trigger warning: This post includes a discussion on suicide. I am in no way encouraging anyone to take their own life; I am merely sharing my experience and perspective. Please seek professional help for any mental health issues you may have.


    A friend of mine told me a story.

    An acquaintance’s sibling* attempted to take their life. Afterwards, when asked why, he simply said that he was already happy as is.

    My friend didn’t understand. If you’re already happy, he said, then why try to kill yourself? It doesn’t make sense!

    I took a shot of vodka before saying: it makes sense to me.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

    Numb: being back on meds

    My anxiety has been making an unwelcome reappearance, together with my depressive symptoms. I didn’t have much of an appetite, I was sleeping too much, and I was crying everywhere (seriously, everywhere: in my shower, in the bathroom at work, in the Grab car on my way home).

    So I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. After his assessment, he put me back on meds: divalproex sodium, sertraline, and clonazepam.

    Honestly, I felt so conflicted about that.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health,  Prose and poetry

    How I started my morning

    happy coffee
    Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

    I was drinking coffee this morning

    watching the news

    when the anchor said an accident had occurred

    in the city where I worked.

    The streets were all

    too familiar.

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  • Depression and anxiety

    Unloved / Unlovable

    Most of the time, I feel unloved.

    I have long since accepted that I am unlovable, that I am not worthy of someone else’s affection and time. I am not worthy of any effort. I am an extremely mediocre human being whose only salvation might be death (or taking lots of depression naps, which is basically the same thing).

    The truth is, I’m screwed up twelve ways ’til Sunday.

    I’m damaged goods. Everything I do, whether it’s unintentional or through self-fulfilling prophecy, I inevitably fuck up. I cry too much, and I always get anxious for no logical reason. I overthink constantly, sifting through the bits and pieces of my relationships to figure out what I’m doing wrong and when people will leave me.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health

    On being overly dependent

    Recently, I read an article that discusses the differences between overly dependent and overly independent people who suffer from anxiety.

    dependence, anxiety, psychology, relationships, abandonment

    I am the most needy person I know. I take it personally when I feel like friends are drifting away, and even a minuscule thing like a slow response from my boyfriend to my messages bothers me. As an overly dependent anxiety sufferer, I am in need of constant validation and am hurt when I don’t hear what I want to hear.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Mental health,  Writing

    When does writing about depression make it worse?

    I write a lot about my depression. Whether it’s in my iOS journal app Day One, or here in my blog, I often write when I’m feeling down. My psychologist suggested it to me in our early sessions, and I’ve been doing it fairly consistently for a couple of years now. I’m happy to report that for the most part, it’s been a great tool to divert myself when I’m having a bad episode.

    writing, journal
    Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Family,  Friends,  Relationships,  Self-care

    Apologies to different people

    Sorry…

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