• Friends,  Positivity

    I almost flaked on plans to have a wonderful night out

    When I’m in a depressive slump, I tend to shut myself off from people. My psychiatrist told me that I should follow through with plans, regardless of how I feel on that day. He said that it would help me feel better.

    He understood that it takes more energy for a depressive person to do this, but he stressed the point that isolating myself and lying prone in bed is not helpful, and only serves to reinforce my loneliness.

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  • Depression and anxiety,  Prose and poetry,  Ruminations,  Sadness

    I can’t trust my senses

    You’re worthless. You don’t matter. Your existence means nothing: you may have been something special before, but not now, and never again.

    This isn’t me talking.

    That’s Depression, talking in His sweetly sinister voice.

    That voice has the ability to permeate the nooks and crannies of my mind. It is a noxious gas tainting my memories, even the good ones. I’ve been living with it for so long—more often than not, in eighteen years—that it’s difficult for me to ignore it.

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  • Family,  Personal Favorites,  Ruminations

    Leaning towards being childfree

    One night, Mama and I were chatting over coffee, and I was rattling off the things I didn’t like about kids. When she asked if I plan on giving her grandchildren, I replied, “I don’t know.”

    Thankfully, she said that she wasn’t too keen on being a lola anyway. I joked that she should already consider Pawky her grandchild, since he is basically my son.


    I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the past three years, and it’s about time I wrote about it: I’m seriously thinking about going childfree.

    I’ve taken a lot of factors into consideration.

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  • Health,  Positivity,  Writing

    Resolutions and Goals for 2019

    In a manic pursuit of self-improvement, I created an extensive list in Todoist of my goals in 2019.

    goals, resolutions, 2019

    Really, I’m setting myself up for failure, because there are so many damned goals:

    Meditate twice daily! Exercise! Stop smoking! Meet with Gelo! Read more books! Write more often! Eat at new restaurants! Go to the theater! Meet with YC! Visit a museum! Arrange an out of town trip with Boopy! Meet with the squad! Donate to my preferred animal shelter! Meet with Kath!

    Just a few of my goals for 2019.

    It’s ironic that one of my goals is “make time for yourself”. Seriously, after doing all this, how am I supposed to even keep my eyes open?

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  • Family,  Mental health,  Positivity,  Relationships,  Ruminations,  Writing

    Reflections on 2018

    Every end of the year, I reflect on what transpired over the course of the past 365 days. I am a naturally introspective person, so I enjoy examining these events and the effects they’ve had on me.

    Living with depression, it’s always the default to see things in extremes, i.e. this year has been terrible. My perspective is skewed to look at the shitty parts of life, so in this post, I’ll do my best to be as rational as possible.

    2018, kylie jenner, quote
    Kylie was really onto something there.
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  • Friends,  Personal Favorites,  Positivity

    I found comfort in the chaos of Makati

    In a bustling city of concrete and glass, we converged as strangers. Different people, different stories.

    One thing united us, as we eventually discovered: we were all broken in some way. Our past relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners haunted us. Those ghosts followed us all the way to Ayala Avenue, where an office building stood dark and formidable.

    city,ayala,makati,skylines

    Within those four walls, I experienced a gamut of emotions. Joy. Stress. Motivation. Pride. Anger. Sadness. You saw it all, from me helplessly weeping on the sidewalk to me practically yelling in the streets in a fit of rage.

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  • Ruminations

    I wish emotional connections were optional

    Lately I’ve been having a recurring fantasy: a life with no emotional connections.

    You’ll never be disappointed because you expect nothing from everyone. You can focus on external matters, like your job. You’ll never have to worry about messy things like romantic and platonic relationships. No more worrying about people leaving.

    exit
    Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

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  • Ruminations

    What this birthday means to me

    I just turned 26. My boyfriend likes to say how I’m closer to 30 than 20, and that pisses me off.

    red and white mouth plastic toy and food plastic toys
    Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

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  • Relationships,  Ruminations

    Birth-yay!

    My birthday is less than a month away, and I’m stoked!

    yellow pink and blue party balloons
    Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

    My boyfriend certainly plays a big part in why I look forward to this year’s birthday.

    Our first date happened to fall on my birthday last year. He picked me up and took me out for a dinner date at The Frazzled Cook in Quezon City.

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  • Friends,  Mental health,  Ruminations

    I will always believe in you even when no one else will, not even you

    He spots me smoking alone and staring off into space. Lost in my Spotify playlist, I don’t notice him approach until he taps me on the shoulder and asks, “Are you okay?”

    He didn’t need to wait for an answer. I couldn’t speak, anyway. I just collapsed into his embrace.

    gelo

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